Am I boring you?

I'm sorry, I'm too tired to be interesting.

What makes someone cool, interesting, and worthy of your time?

I’ve struggled with this question my whole life.

There’s a part of me that cringes every time I hear the word “cool”, like there’s something snobbish to the term. I think it might have something to do with the concept of “cool” I grew up with, which always came with a bit of pretentiousness on the side. A distant, eye-rolling attitude that can leave a bad taste in your mouth. We all craved (crave?) this label, which is quite curious when you think about the coldness and alienation that often comes with it.

I don't think I could have been further from it.

And since I wasn’t textbook cool—or cool at all—I found comfort in the idea that once your 20s are behind, you can officially stop caring about all that crap. You’re more mature, confident, sure of yourself. You don’t need other people to validate your decisions or agree with your every thought and opinion. You’ve grown out of that awkward phase. Now, you just want to live life on your own terms. Your 30s is where it gets better.

But does it, really? My comforting imposter syndrome and its lovely companion, that delightful feeling of never being good enough, would beg to differ.

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Throughout my teenage years, college, and somehow even more now, I’ve never felt like the cool friend. In most settings (if not all), I usually feel like the least interesting person around. The Kourtney Kardashian of the bunch. While everyone around me is adding something, I’m stuck being the minus in the equation. I feel like I don’t bring much to the table, which in turn gives me the perception that I don’t have a seat at all. I might get an invitation, I might be able to get a foot in, but I’m still outside. Even though I’m there, I don’t feel like I truly belong. And sometimes, I’m not sure I even want to.

Does coolness grant your wishes, or does it pull the trigger on itself, exposed to envy and judgment? I’d like to think I’ve looked around and observed cool people enough to know the answer to these questions to try and at the very least imitate, getting close enough to orbit in the same spaces and their good graces, but I don’t and I haven’t. Still on the outside, knocking on doors, taking one step forward and seventeen back. You’d think paving your way on your terms would make you cool by default and definition — but the more I try to carve out a space for myself in the world, the more uncertain I feel.

From “be cool or die trying” by Valerie

I also hate introducing myself to new people. I can be a bit shy and awkward. I don’t have the confidence to take the first step and I’m terrified of how other people—the cooler people—are going to perceive me. My life hasn’t been that eventful so far. I’ve never lived abroad. I don’t speak five languages. I don’t have a niche hobby, a special skill, or any sort of specific knowledge that makes you wonder how does she know all that. Unless you count pop culture? And even then. I don’t have cultured interests and I rarely engage in cultured activities. I can't tell you the last time I looked at art or watched a French movie. I love mainstream shit. I love rotting. I love doing the most basic things you can think of. Can I live? To top it all off, I don’t have a fascinating job. In fact, I sometimes feel like my 9-to-5 corporate job might be part of the problem.

from @oxfordlemon

Between taking the dog out for a walk, working out, cooking low effort meals, trying to keep the house clean, and doing my best not to go insane, I find there’s little time—and energy, mostly energy—to do the things that make someone cool. I always struggle to keep my eyes open past nine. As soon as I lay down on the couch and wrap myself in a blanket, it’s game over. Guaranteed I’ll pass out within five minutes and be woken up by my fiancé at midnight with a sweet let’s go to bed, to which I’ll respond some variation of no, I’m good here, leave me alone.

While everyone is busy with their cool hobbies, new skills and self-development activities, I’m taking pre-bed naps (yes, they’ve become such a joke in my household that I’ve named them) and feeling burnt-out to the point where I can’t even find the strength to sit through 30 minutes of trash tv after dinner. Sure, I have my own little routine going on. I read my Kindle, I journal and I write, but I still find myself questioning if that is enough. If I am enough. Although there’s a growing cultural shift towards celebrating the mundane, I still find myself debating whether or not my life is too ordinary for the aspirations I have.

How am I supposed to be remotely interesting if I’m this tired? How am I supposed to be perceived as a smart, brilliant woman if I’m so exhausted to expand my horizons? How am I supposed to inhabit certain conversations and circles if there’s always someone to remind me that I’m not cool enough to be there? How am I supposed to be successful and achieve all my writing goals if I’m such a boring, basic and forgetful character? And do I even care to pretend that I’m not this person who sometimes lies down all day, feeding her brain with useless content and scrolling social media like there’s no tomorrow?

In a society that places immense pressure on women to look and act a certain way, I understand how intelligence can be a powerful defense mechanism. But we don’t only want to be smart; we want to look smart (whatever that means), and we want people to know how smart we are. (…) I want nothing more than for the girl discourse to be over, but even then, see me here, writing another piece about it. I am also part of the problem; nevertheless, I’ve made peace with it. As a human, I will make choices that contradict my values. I will lose myself in the process of living, and I will find myself again while creating.

From “I'm smart and I need everyone to know it” by Luisa Correa

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I’m aware that someone who is too insecure and needs a lot of validation (and even when she gets it, she still convinces herself that people are just being nice) is not much fun to be around. The red flag, no nuance, no flaws allowed girlies on TikTok will make sure you never forget that. If everyone took their advice to the T, I would be out of friends by now.

I also know there’s no quick fix. Healing these parts of yourself that have been around for so long takes time, patience, and empathy. It also takes a lot of effort. It requires you to constantly remind yourself that no amount of external validation can fill the gaps left behind by your own insecurities. This doesn’t mean that it doesn’t feel good to be acknowledged by other people—only that sometimes it’s worth rethinking the worth we put on being seen by others.

In an attempt to get out of my comfort zone and expand my experiences without going cold turkey on what feels safe and familiar, I signed up for a writing hour at a local coffeeshop / bookstore. It’s a small but monumental step for someone like me. I would never dare to call myself a writer, let alone attend an event designed for writers. But I’m glad I did. What I found was a place where I didn’t have to perform for anyone or impress anyone. I didn’t have to spill out a brilliant piece of writing or list all my achievements because no one really cared. I could just sit with twenty other people who genuinely enjoy writing, say my name, share my experience, and feel good.

from @amykaypoetry

Our cultural obsession with “perfection”, paired with the sense of inadequacy that comes with constantly having to “achieve” and “improve” yourself, may lead us to think otherwise, but maybe this is what coolness is. Maybe it’s not some aspirational thing that always feels out of reach no matter how hard you try to get it, but something that comes naturally to you. Maybe it’s not forcing yourself into circles where you don’t really fit, but being at peace with the fact that not having a spot doesn’t make you less worthy or interesting or smart. Maybe it’s just a sign that there’s another space for you out there, where you won’t have to question if you’re worthy or interesting or smart.

As this video from Kelly Mosser perfectly frames, cool doesn’t really have to exist in a vertical line, but rather a horizontal spectrum. When you visualize it that way, you arrive at a place where cool is not above anything, which immediately takes off the pressure to “climb” up the ladder. And if there’s no ladder to “climb”, you can just focus on enjoying yourself without worrying about how other people are perceiving you. This, I think, is pretty cool.

@kelly_mosserYou’re prpb not cool, you’re warm. And that’s every bit as amazing! #WarmGirls #warmgirl #warmgirlautumn #warmgirlfall #selflove

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And now, a list of cool + warm things 💌

• To everyone who said brat summer was over, how are you feeling? Charli brought out Lorde for the girl, so confusing remix at Madison Square Garden. Addison joined on stage. Kelley doing her apple dance on the big screen. And then this happened. Oh, and we still have a remix album coming out on October 11.

• This week I went to the midnight release of Sally Rooney’s new novel Intermezzo at Salted Books in Lisbon. Got my hands on the most beautiful edition of the book and also picked up a copy of Make It Make Sense, which I’m very excited to read next.

• This episode from anything goes with emma chamberlain about things you can do instead of doom scrolling, which serves as a great reminder about the importance of the simple things in life. I know I sound like a broken record, but I could listen to Emma all day long.

• The next edition of Nobody is reading this! I have wanted to introduce a new format for a long time, and it’s finally happening. The next newsletter will be the official launch of a new “column” called Things you should be reading instead. This will be an interview style featuring some of my favorite people. It’s a format that I really enjoy reading, and sort of pays homage to my journalistic background. Although this Substack is a very personal project with my own experiences and takes, I’m also hoping this content can bring another perspective and serve as a way to share opinions and thoughts from amazing people who I admire and look up to—and who are really cool in a warm way, and really warm in a cool way.