I suck at letting go
Unsent texts, accepting what is, and moving on. Or maybe not?
Yesterday I wrote a lengthy text message on my Notes app. My hands were shaking. My throat was dry. I took it as a clear sign that I had to do it. I’ve always avoided things that scare me, but if this made nervous, it was probably worth the risk. Or was it actually the opposite: if a text message made me feel this anxious and under so much stress, maybe I shouldn’t hit send? I wasn’t quite sure.
I copied the text to WhatsApp. I read it over and over again. Deleted some words. Added a few more. Changed the tone here and there to sound nicer. Applied things I learned in therapy, making sure that every sentence had its own “I feel like” or “this made me feel like”. I read the whole thing one more time.
Maybe this is not worth sending, maybe not now, maybe not ever.
I opened Instagram. Scrolled for a bit. Saw that my battery was at 2%. Went to get a charger. Felt calmer.
Maybe I just needed to write this down, maybe that’s enough.
I deleted the whole thing and put my phone down.
I still kept the message on my Notes app, though. The why is very obvious: I suck at letting go. I’m the kind of person who always has a “but” to add to every conversation. Oh you’re done talking about this because we’ve been at it for hours, days, weeks? I most certainly am not! Here’s five other reasons that maybe are the same five reasons I just gave you five minutes ago but phrased in a different way which makes them five new reasons entirely. Oh you would rather protect your peace and never know why someone treated you the way they did, because forgiveness is something you give to yourself and you don’t need that kind of closure? Good for you. Can’t relate. I’m not Rose, you’re not Jack, this isn't the Titanic. Nothing is sinking today, not on my watch. Let’s keep this party going!
I have read all about the importance of detachment and the “let them” theory. The “release what released you” because you’ll feel so much better, and you’ll make space for good (better?) things instead. It’s a great concept, but I often wonder how you know if you should apply it. When should you seek out clarity or closure, and when should you just let it go? When is it mentally and emotionally healthy, and when is it just avoiding confrontation or accountability? How can you tell if something is worth your energy and effort, or if you’re at that point when it doesn’t make sense to try anymore? Does it come from a place of intuition? Logic? Critical thinking? Emotional reasoning?
In this new world, our feelings, no matter how badly placed they are, have become our god and our compass for our lives and conduct. We have learned to prioritize our feelings, and I mean, that is not a bad thing at all, I am all for feeling. But we need to be reminded that how we feel sometimes is not the reality. We need to toe the line healthily between feeling and reality.
I believe that therapy-speak has made us much more selfish and self-important. Most people employ therapy-speak as a justification for bad behavior. Most badly behaved people use the justification and affirmation they get from therapy as a weapon against the people in their lives. There is no real incentive for change. Are we thinking about ourselves too much? And is it driving us crazy?
From the essay do we need people by Blessing Maraizu
Every time I think about the idea of letting go, I’m also drawn to the notion of protecting your peace. Prioritizing your feelings and sheltering yourself from negativity, toxicity and bullshit is absolutely essential for a happy life. You’ll never find me questioning otherwise. Sometimes you do need to risk looking “selfish” and being the “villain” in someone else’s story. But what happens when we protect our peace a little too much, to the point where everything is seen as an excuse to ghost, send mixed signals, give the silent treatment, or start acting strange out of nowhere? If protecting your peace doesn’t come with emotional responsibility and consideration, can we argue that maybe—just maybe—it’s actually avoiding the hard conversations? If we’re so quick to discard anyone who might have done something that didn’t sit right with us—without voicing it or giving them a chance to explain—are we really honoring our feelings?
I think my struggle with letting go is precisely that. How to know when it’s time to loosen the grip. How to tell if I really need an explanation after someone has shown me time and time again that they want nothing to do with me. Do I keep making excuses for them? Do I beat myself up trying to understand why, and overthink every possible scenario in search for an answer? Do I believe the signs and just let it go? Or do I owe it to myself to seek clarity outside the narrative I created inside my head?
As we get older, I think letting go becomes the obvious, more practical choice. We’re not meant to waste time on things that don’t really matter—at least not compared to our real adult issues. We’re too busy for that. We don’t want to explain anything to anyone, because everyone should know better by now. So we just cut off and leave it at that. I’m not saying this is necessarily wrong, but I do wonder if this “all or nothing” approach leaves any space for empathy, understanding, and nuance.
Perhaps it’s also important to remember that letting go is just like any other healing process. It requires time and it doesn’t happen overnight. Sometimes you’ll get triggered, you’ll start to question everything, and you’ll relapse. Maybe this is just one of those moments when you get stuck, wondering what the right thing to do is. As I write this, I still don’t know. I still struggle to understand how to act—and if I should act at all. I still don’t know what to say—and if I should say anything at all. Maybe somethings are best kept on the Notes app. Maybe somethings are really meant to be let go of. Or maybe not? Ugh.
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"But we need to be reminded that how we feel sometimes is not the reality." !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *sending this to my therapist*
Beautiful and insightful essay Mónica. 👏👏